you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
