ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
