Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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