I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
