last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
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I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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