The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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