she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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