I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
