Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
