I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
