Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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