Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
