worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
