I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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