so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
