haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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