youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
