5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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