i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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