Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
