so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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