I love black thongs
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Blood and glitter go together right?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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