Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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