just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
