she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
