The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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