Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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