I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
