i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
