You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
