they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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