update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
