Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
