the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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