Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize