I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
