On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
