So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
