I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
