Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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