The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
