I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
no you cant smoke seaweed
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
