we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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