I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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