I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
