I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
