in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
