This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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