I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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