Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
