Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
