i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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