I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Drunk is not a location!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
