i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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