I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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