Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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