I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
