Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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