In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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