Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
